No one ever wants to hear the words “You’ve got cancer”.  When you do hear them, it’s like getting a gut punch from a world champion boxer.  It feels like your heart stops beating, your mind goes blank, you can’t breathe, and you don’t know what to say.  The doctor keeps talking but you’re only hearing half of what they are saying.  Your mind starts racing.  The thoughts you have are all over the place.  Suddenly, you realize the doctor is still talking but you didn’t hear half of what they said.

This was me on July 16, 2020 at 11:12 am.  I was 2 days post colonoscopy and wasn’t expecting the doctor to call until day 3.  When I saw the office number pop up, I was hopeful he was going to tell me the polyp they had removed was benign.  Luckily, I was sitting at my desk so I grabbed a piece of paper the moment he started talking.  My mind was racing but I was writing the words I heard him say.

  • rectal cancer
  • extends to the colon wall
  • ultrasound
  • repeat ‘oscopy (I assume he meant repeat colonoscopy, but I didn’t catch that part)

He gave me the name and phone number for a surgeon.  “A surgeon, what?  Is that the next step?  What about an oncologist?  Do I need to go to a cancer treatment center? What about Philadelphia? Are New Jersey doctors any good?  Who is this doctor you just told me to call?  I can’t even pronounce his name”.  These are the questions that started racing through my head.  It was overwhelming.  I thanked the doctor for the information and he wished me good luck.  Good luck?  Oh yeah, I have cancer so I need some good luck.

After I hung up, my first thought was how in the world do I tell my husband, my parents, my brother, my besties?  That felt much scarier than facing the big C word.  C.A.N.C.E.R.  How was I even going to be able to say THAT word?  It felt impossible.  I said a quick prayer asking God to guide me and give me the right words to say to those around me.  I asked for calmness, strength and to be surrounded with people who had the proper knowledge to treat me.  I texted one of my besties.  In my mind she was a safe person to tell first.  I knew she would be calm and would help me process some of the questions that were swirling through my head.  I texted her “Sigh – the gastro just called me.  It’s not good.”  She called and in true bestie fashion, she kept me calm and reminded me that God was in control and I had to trust that he will get me through this.  Yes, yes he would.

My luck doesn’t usually work this way, but I had a previously scheduled appointment with my primary care doctor that afternoon.  As I sat in her exam room, the questions kept racing through my head.  Surely she would know what to do; how to direct me.  As we discussed the diagnosis she remarked that with the symptoms I had been showing (to come in a later blog!) she wouldn’t have suspected cancer.  As I moved through the next few months, numerous medical professionals would reiterate that the symptoms that led to me getting a colonoscopy were not indicative of rectal or colon cancer.

Thus began my journey of finding answers, getting care, and ridding my body of the awful “C” word.

 

Are you or a loved one dealing with a diagnosis of cancer?  I would love to connect and provide support as I am able.  Please connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, comment on this post or email me: dawn@greenmountainjerseygirl.com.

 

If you need additional resources please visit The American Cancer Society website.